Sunday 7 December 2008

what is it going to take?

what is it going to take...

to run ahead of my once lost depression, praying it doesnt catch me... i'm beginning not to care...

what's it going to take, not to be constantly worried, not to wish i hadnt woken up

its no wonder i nearly had a heartattack last week. maybe it would have been better if it had claimed me. a shortened existance, would hurt everyone but myself...ironically it would have the opposite effect on me, but then again, i wouldnt be there to enjoy it would i?

i dont want to hurt everyone...and that is why i nearly died...

so void of emotion, i did this to myself.

but i'm so tired

so tired of being emotionally void. not even numb, i choose not to have emotions anymore

so tired of having to take a stand in every way, shape or form when something happens. and something always happens. i'm wondering why i still fix it.

so tired of trying to find reasons for people to carry on their existance when they tell me they "want to be free"

so tired of not being able to be upset at anything...if i'm upset then its over, because so many people depend on my strength, i am the last stand, the last reason, if i give up then there is nothing to stop anyone...

i've saved so many people, but i can't save myself?

how ironic..

i dont know what to do.
my life is so screwed up right now. could i even call it a life?
i have no purpose, no money, no job, no hope...
there is so much still to do, i dont think i have the strength anymore

so what am i going to do?

i could do what i usually do and bounce back, bury how i'm feeling, tell myself i dont mean it. everytime i do that i bury a piece of myself with it. every day life is just business now. theres no escape.

maybe i'll just lose it for once... i'm getting weaker, i'm getting more worried, something is telling me something is wrong, something is medically wrong. i'm losing strength in so many ways.
maybe i'll just let go for once. why do i have to keep careing? why do i have to be the one to stop time and fix things?

if the people who depend on me dont pick me up, then i can fall into darkness and be lost forever and its not my problem anymore.

what is it going to take..

to save me?

Friday 19 September 2008

i should have written sooner

i'm 21 in less then 2 weeks..

i've made so many mistakes. i dont even know if they where mistakes, or just my lack of acomplishing anything

why is my life so meaningless?

i spend so much time these days wondering why i even bother waking up. i'm not going to do anything today, why even get up.

i should have written sooner, it sorts my mind, right now i'm just wondering why i can't be happy.

i was happy. some of it left me, most of it i threw away, i threw it away for a reason, that seemed the right decision, it still does seem like the right decision, for what purpose i dont know. do i like to make myself unhappy?

i feel like i'm at an inbetween point. i know that things are going to work out, they have to, i have to believe they will, or i wouldnt have made the decisions i made, they would of been for nothing and i dont feel they can be.

its just the time in between, i dont know how long this is going to last, i think it will be years.
maybe i'm just waiting for my life to settle, so i can actually have a purpose and a reason for being here. i think its gonna take some time, i'm not sure i have the strength to wait.

this summer has been an awesome one for me. after such a crap year preceding it, this summer has been good. i've been able to do what i want, see who i want. i had a boyfriend, he loved me and still does, i had someone who depended on me for stuff, someone i loved to talk to.
as soon as september came around and i saw this coming, things have changed too much.

i broke up with my boyfriend who in all truth i should never have been with to begin with, so that was my own fault. i'll try not to be so foolish again.

my college owes me a lot of money, the money i would have been living on for the last part of summer till i found a job. they still havnt paid me my money. i'm begining to wonder whether i'll ever get it back, or even whether i'll even finish my hnd. two years of hasstle and pain down the drain, thats a new thing to worry about.

and school started. i knew things would change, i tried my best but we're only human. people who couldnt play ro came back and as i knew would happen i didnt have anything left to do on there. i had so much to do over summer, and now its reduced to nothing. i know it sounds like i'm whining, i know it can't be helped, i'm just having trouble with the sudden lack of responsibility i guess. i know theres more i could be given to do, it just wont be the same, but i know i'm being selfish there.

i just hate myself so much. i hate myself for being me, for being where i am, for not being where i want to be, not that it would make any difference, not that any of it is my fault. i'm not sure how i stumbled onto that awesome few months of life, but its over now. time differences, and life in general dictate that. it was fun while it lasted is the only thing i can say now...

theres just no way it can be kept up, it seems i'm just meant to lead a different life away from what i want to be. i can't really blame my christianity for that, but that pretty much sums it up i guess. i wasnt meant for that life, though thats where i want to be.

but lifes full of tough decisions, i've always had to go against what i've wanted, what i've wanted to do. i dont know why, i refuse to ask why God's doing all this to me, because then i would turn out like my sister. besides which, i dont need to ask, God's doing this to me, because he is. it seems a half hearted answer, maybe i'm afraid to find out, maybe there is nothing to find out. i dont know anymore.

i just dont understand anymore. i'm not supposed to be here on my own. i'm supposed to do this with God. i've done so much of the stuff i'm supposed to do, but i feel so allienated.

i miss the people who used to talk to me... no one talks to me anymore...

there are always people i can talk to, but no one who will talk to me, no one who knows me. i'm not quite sure how i can describe this.theres so many people on ro, in my guild who i can talk to, but they dont know me. the dont know me personally, who i am really, where i'm at. no one i can vent at, everyones so busy, it doesnt feel right bothering them with my problems.

chris is still talking at me, ironically the one person i dont really want to talk to, wont leave me alone. he still wants to be with me, and i just dont know what to say. i dont know how i can react so coldly and have gotten over it all so quickly when he still pines for me. its just so coldhearted of me. there just hasnt been any space between us at all for him to get over it i guess. i'm hopeing he will eventually.

he wanted to come down and hang out this weekend. i foolishly said yes, reflecting later that i didnt think either of us would be able to handle it, fortunatly my mother said no. shes really on top of things sometimes.

i just feel so empty right now. i really am empty, empty and useless. living a currently pointless existance, waiting maybe more hoping that things will pick up. i struggle with my doubt. faith has always been the thing thats kept me together. the knowledge that nothing is as it shouldnt be. whatever happens was meant to happen.

things have messed me up so much with this boy josh. he overdosed and killed himself last week. at first it was just rumours, possibilities it could have been a hoax, the more it seemed to be real, the more it hurt. i didnt even know him, not really, and still i cried. nothing should have been that desperate. nothing should have been desperate enough that he would try to kill himself and succeed. one of the reasons he was so upset was that one of his friends recently killed himself as well. why are things this bad?

my sister was threatening to kill herself last week after servere breakup depression, after her ex who broke up with her because he didnt want a relationship called her three weeks later to tell her he had a new girlfriend and he was so happy. i spent the whole afternoon paranoid she might do it. i always knew she was still cutting...

why are people so weak?

but

but then, you have the flip side. i prayed so much for elly, a person i had never met, a person i had never talked to before who had terminal cancer and was dying. recently i found out her cancer has stabilised and it looks like she might be ok. i continue to pray for her.

hurricane ike hit last week as well, my friend isaac had to leave his house as the hurricane was going to hit right on top of his house. i prayed for him and for his house every day he was away from it. he got back sure that at least his tree in the front yard would be gone and that his house might be in ruins. the tree was still there.. the house was fine.

"I will take her by the hand and i will lead her, and i will put my words into her mouth and she will speak to the mulitudes"

a propecy, 21 years old in 2 weeks. i'm still waiting to find out what it means.

i'm struggling so much with myself. i spent so long paranoid about my own selfishness, my inferiority nearly drove me over the edge once. never again.

i just wish for the days i was so randomly happy for no reason. it all ended when i snapped and decided to end it with chris. its not the only thing, but it contributed and from that point.

right now, i dont have a reason to be happy. i dont have a reason to be anything, i feel so numb...

Sunday 27 April 2008

urgh are are ><

Rawr, i have no where else to write so here will do i guess. it's been nearly a year since i've written in here. ironic really, considering what i'm going to talk about.
i hadnt forgotten about this blog really, just lost a bit of enthusiasm for writting in general.

so yeah... things are a bit weird at the moment. i'm not entirly sure how i feel about it all to be honest. i feel restless and empty i guess would be the closest thing i can describe this feeling as. its like somethings missing, i know its missing, i can't have it back, but i think i know that i dont want it.
which i shouldnt, because this was mutual.

i just dont know how i feel! and i dont think i can bare it...

i'm so confused right now, i dont know what to think.
me and my boyfriend broke up yesterday. this is what its all about.

i knew it was coming, when we started our conversation yesterday i knew it wouldnt end with us still together. it was jsut so easy to admit that it wasnt really working. we where both thinking the same thing and although we did officially declare it, it might as well have been dead.

i dont know. i guess that the last month or two has felt more like a friendship then a relationship, but there was always in the background the knowledge that we where together, that we would comfort each other adn that it was just different from a friendship. now that things have gone back to being a friendship it shouldnt feel much different. and it doesnt.

that is what confuses me the most...

we're still friends, everything is fine. i feel though like i'm depressed because i'm not sad. and that is such a backwards thing to admit.

i refuse to let myself admit fully whats happened. i'm determined to be happy in the state that i am in, in the way things happened. maybe i would be better after i thought about it properly. but i really dont want to cry. after last year, i just dont ever want to cry again.
and if i dont think about it, if i "know" that everything is "fine" then i wont...

i just dont know what to do.
i'm not depressed, not really. i'm feeling empty, deflated was the word i used the other day, and restless. i think i just want the world to get on with it, for some time to pass then normality can be addressed maybe.
i'm not sure i want to go back to college next week. i have no reason to be upset (not in my mind anyway) but i'm afraid of what might happen when i'm on my own.
i dont want to feel sorry for myself, i have no reason to, and i know i'm stronger then that, but i dont want to be upset, i dont want to think. cori once said that he noticed that i didnt like to be left alone for too long. all i can do is carry on with life, maybe thats whats bothering me, that i feel i shouldnt be getting on with life so soon, but theres really nothing else to do.

i'll meet someone new eventually. i know dont have to worry about the future so much, i can take it in my stride and do it my way without considerations of anyone else i may be sharing life with. theres a lot of other stuff i wont have to worry about anymore as well, i suppose this was worth it for that at least, and i'll see the benefit of it in time.

the best i can do is not to mope about if i can possibly help it.
i want to speak to my dad >< i have no idea why, but i just know it will help. i suppose i am a daddy's girl really, we just have so many commonly shared intrests and he consults me about a lot of stuff, and whatever happens, once i tell him and he gives me a hug, everythings ok.
i'm not sure when he's due back though. he's in america at the moment i dont think he's due back til next friday. so i guess i'm jsut gonna have to get on with stuff and try not to mope until he gets back.

i've got to finish my assignment work, then i guess i'll go to uni on tuesday. i'll be spending tuesday evening at my grandmas as usual, so i'll be ok for most of the night, and then i guess i'll just text chris every now and again until i fall asleep. adn then i'll be back home wednesday evening if all goes well. so it'll be fine.

i'm having some issues with uni at the moment. as it stands, i'm only attending lectures at the moment. screw them if i'm gonna fail this course because they want me to build them a garden. that isnt a priority for me, i'll be at home working on my thesis and plant science assignment, as they're due in less then a month and i've started neither.

so anyways, i feel a bit better, now i've talked it out and kinda worked out what i'm feeling.
so i'm gonna carry on with my model i think.

ja ne <3