man at an art gallery

Tuesday 15th January 2008.

Hmm I don’t know.
Seeing him just brought so many emotions to light. I definitely didn’t see it coming, him or my reaction. I definitely wasn’t ready…

The more I studied him the more I realised how much I miss yin. It was all I could do not to go over there, not to call out yin, though I knew it couldn’t be him. All I could do not to keep starring at him even when he noticed me.

I keep thinking to myself maybe, maybe it was yin. Coming to a place like this on his own is totally his character.
The fact that I know he must be in Japan is the only thing that made me think and I suppose believe that it wasn’t him. He got away with it if it was him. Maybe he’d think less of me if it was and I didn’t see it. But then if I were to believe everyone I saw was someone dear to me, I’d never be able to exist in the fact and knowledge that they weren’t there anymore. Not that I suppose he’d care.

I’m somewhat amused at my own tendency now to call him yin-san, not yin, though that would technically be the closest level of affection, not kun, I never really did call him that. But not chan either. He knows we love him…
As it is, seeing him there, like that… it was all I could do not to cry…

what is it going to take?

what is it going to take...

to run ahead of my once lost depression, praying it doesnt catch me... i'm beginning not to care...

what's it going to take, not to be constantly worried, not to wish i hadnt woken up

its no wonder i nearly had a heartattack last week. maybe it would have been better if it had claimed me. a shortened existance, would hurt everyone but myself...ironically it would have the opposite effect on me, but then again, i wouldnt be there to enjoy it would i?

i dont want to hurt everyone...and that is why i nearly died...

so void of emotion, i did this to myself.

but i'm so tired

so tired of being emotionally void. not even numb, i choose not to have emotions anymore

so tired of having to take a stand in every way, shape or form when something happens. and something always happens. i'm wondering why i still fix it.

so tired of trying to find reasons for people to carry on their existance when they tell me they "want to be free"

so tired of not being able to be upset at anything...if i'm upset then its over, because so many people depend on my strength, i am the last stand, the last reason, if i give up then there is nothing to stop anyone...

i've saved so many people, but i can't save myself?

how ironic..

i dont know what to do.
my life is so screwed up right now. could i even call it a life?
i have no purpose, no money, no job, no hope...
there is so much still to do, i dont think i have the strength anymore

so what am i going to do?

i could do what i usually do and bounce back, bury how i'm feeling, tell myself i dont mean it. everytime i do that i bury a piece of myself with it. every day life is just business now. theres no escape.

maybe i'll just lose it for once... i'm getting weaker, i'm getting more worried, something is telling me something is wrong, something is medically wrong. i'm losing strength in so many ways.
maybe i'll just let go for once. why do i have to keep careing? why do i have to be the one to stop time and fix things?

if the people who depend on me dont pick me up, then i can fall into darkness and be lost forever and its not my problem anymore.

what is it going to take..

to save me?

i should have written sooner

i'm 21 in less then 2 weeks..

i've made so many mistakes. i dont even know if they where mistakes, or just my lack of acomplishing anything

why is my life so meaningless?

i spend so much time these days wondering why i even bother waking up. i'm not going to do anything today, why even get up.

i should have written sooner, it sorts my mind, right now i'm just wondering why i can't be happy.

i was happy. some of it left me, most of it i threw away, i threw it away for a reason, that seemed the right decision, it still does seem like the right decision, for what purpose i dont know. do i like to make myself unhappy?

i feel like i'm at an inbetween point. i know that things are going to work out, they have to, i have to believe they will, or i wouldnt have made the decisions i made, they would of been for nothing and i dont feel they can be.

its just the time in between, i dont know how long this is going to last, i think it will be years.
maybe i'm just waiting for my life to settle, so i can actually have a purpose and a reason for being here. i think its gonna take some time, i'm not sure i have the strength to wait.

this summer has been an awesome one for me. after such a crap year preceding it, this summer has been good. i've been able to do what i want, see who i want. i had a boyfriend, he loved me and still does, i had someone who depended on me for stuff, someone i loved to talk to.
as soon as september came around and i saw this coming, things have changed too much.

i broke up with my boyfriend who in all truth i should never have been with to begin with, so that was my own fault. i'll try not to be so foolish again.

my college owes me a lot of money, the money i would have been living on for the last part of summer till i found a job. they still havnt paid me my money. i'm begining to wonder whether i'll ever get it back, or even whether i'll even finish my hnd. two years of hasstle and pain down the drain, thats a new thing to worry about.

and school started. i knew things would change, i tried my best but we're only human. people who couldnt play ro came back and as i knew would happen i didnt have anything left to do on there. i had so much to do over summer, and now its reduced to nothing. i know it sounds like i'm whining, i know it can't be helped, i'm just having trouble with the sudden lack of responsibility i guess. i know theres more i could be given to do, it just wont be the same, but i know i'm being selfish there.

i just hate myself so much. i hate myself for being me, for being where i am, for not being where i want to be, not that it would make any difference, not that any of it is my fault. i'm not sure how i stumbled onto that awesome few months of life, but its over now. time differences, and life in general dictate that. it was fun while it lasted is the only thing i can say now...

theres just no way it can be kept up, it seems i'm just meant to lead a different life away from what i want to be. i can't really blame my christianity for that, but that pretty much sums it up i guess. i wasnt meant for that life, though thats where i want to be.

but lifes full of tough decisions, i've always had to go against what i've wanted, what i've wanted to do. i dont know why, i refuse to ask why God's doing all this to me, because then i would turn out like my sister. besides which, i dont need to ask, God's doing this to me, because he is. it seems a half hearted answer, maybe i'm afraid to find out, maybe there is nothing to find out. i dont know anymore.

i just dont understand anymore. i'm not supposed to be here on my own. i'm supposed to do this with God. i've done so much of the stuff i'm supposed to do, but i feel so allienated.

i miss the people who used to talk to me... no one talks to me anymore...

there are always people i can talk to, but no one who will talk to me, no one who knows me. i'm not quite sure how i can describe this.theres so many people on ro, in my guild who i can talk to, but they dont know me. the dont know me personally, who i am really, where i'm at. no one i can vent at, everyones so busy, it doesnt feel right bothering them with my problems.

chris is still talking at me, ironically the one person i dont really want to talk to, wont leave me alone. he still wants to be with me, and i just dont know what to say. i dont know how i can react so coldly and have gotten over it all so quickly when he still pines for me. its just so coldhearted of me. there just hasnt been any space between us at all for him to get over it i guess. i'm hopeing he will eventually.

he wanted to come down and hang out this weekend. i foolishly said yes, reflecting later that i didnt think either of us would be able to handle it, fortunatly my mother said no. shes really on top of things sometimes.

i just feel so empty right now. i really am empty, empty and useless. living a currently pointless existance, waiting maybe more hoping that things will pick up. i struggle with my doubt. faith has always been the thing thats kept me together. the knowledge that nothing is as it shouldnt be. whatever happens was meant to happen.

things have messed me up so much with this boy josh. he overdosed and killed himself last week. at first it was just rumours, possibilities it could have been a hoax, the more it seemed to be real, the more it hurt. i didnt even know him, not really, and still i cried. nothing should have been that desperate. nothing should have been desperate enough that he would try to kill himself and succeed. one of the reasons he was so upset was that one of his friends recently killed himself as well. why are things this bad?

my sister was threatening to kill herself last week after servere breakup depression, after her ex who broke up with her because he didnt want a relationship called her three weeks later to tell her he had a new girlfriend and he was so happy. i spent the whole afternoon paranoid she might do it. i always knew she was still cutting...

why are people so weak?

but

but then, you have the flip side. i prayed so much for elly, a person i had never met, a person i had never talked to before who had terminal cancer and was dying. recently i found out her cancer has stabilised and it looks like she might be ok. i continue to pray for her.

hurricane ike hit last week as well, my friend isaac had to leave his house as the hurricane was going to hit right on top of his house. i prayed for him and for his house every day he was away from it. he got back sure that at least his tree in the front yard would be gone and that his house might be in ruins. the tree was still there.. the house was fine.

"I will take her by the hand and i will lead her, and i will put my words into her mouth and she will speak to the mulitudes"

a propecy, 21 years old in 2 weeks. i'm still waiting to find out what it means.

i'm struggling so much with myself. i spent so long paranoid about my own selfishness, my inferiority nearly drove me over the edge once. never again.

i just wish for the days i was so randomly happy for no reason. it all ended when i snapped and decided to end it with chris. its not the only thing, but it contributed and from that point.

right now, i dont have a reason to be happy. i dont have a reason to be anything, i feel so numb...

urgh are are ><

Rawr, i have no where else to write so here will do i guess. it's been nearly a year since i've written in here. ironic really, considering what i'm going to talk about.
i hadnt forgotten about this blog really, just lost a bit of enthusiasm for writting in general.

so yeah... things are a bit weird at the moment. i'm not entirly sure how i feel about it all to be honest. i feel restless and empty i guess would be the closest thing i can describe this feeling as. its like somethings missing, i know its missing, i can't have it back, but i think i know that i dont want it.
which i shouldnt, because this was mutual.

i just dont know how i feel! and i dont think i can bare it...

i'm so confused right now, i dont know what to think.
me and my boyfriend broke up yesterday. this is what its all about.

i knew it was coming, when we started our conversation yesterday i knew it wouldnt end with us still together. it was jsut so easy to admit that it wasnt really working. we where both thinking the same thing and although we did officially declare it, it might as well have been dead.

i dont know. i guess that the last month or two has felt more like a friendship then a relationship, but there was always in the background the knowledge that we where together, that we would comfort each other adn that it was just different from a friendship. now that things have gone back to being a friendship it shouldnt feel much different. and it doesnt.

that is what confuses me the most...

we're still friends, everything is fine. i feel though like i'm depressed because i'm not sad. and that is such a backwards thing to admit.

i refuse to let myself admit fully whats happened. i'm determined to be happy in the state that i am in, in the way things happened. maybe i would be better after i thought about it properly. but i really dont want to cry. after last year, i just dont ever want to cry again.
and if i dont think about it, if i "know" that everything is "fine" then i wont...

i just dont know what to do.
i'm not depressed, not really. i'm feeling empty, deflated was the word i used the other day, and restless. i think i just want the world to get on with it, for some time to pass then normality can be addressed maybe.
i'm not sure i want to go back to college next week. i have no reason to be upset (not in my mind anyway) but i'm afraid of what might happen when i'm on my own.
i dont want to feel sorry for myself, i have no reason to, and i know i'm stronger then that, but i dont want to be upset, i dont want to think. cori once said that he noticed that i didnt like to be left alone for too long. all i can do is carry on with life, maybe thats whats bothering me, that i feel i shouldnt be getting on with life so soon, but theres really nothing else to do.

i'll meet someone new eventually. i know dont have to worry about the future so much, i can take it in my stride and do it my way without considerations of anyone else i may be sharing life with. theres a lot of other stuff i wont have to worry about anymore as well, i suppose this was worth it for that at least, and i'll see the benefit of it in time.

the best i can do is not to mope about if i can possibly help it.
i want to speak to my dad >< i have no idea why, but i just know it will help. i suppose i am a daddy's girl really, we just have so many commonly shared intrests and he consults me about a lot of stuff, and whatever happens, once i tell him and he gives me a hug, everythings ok.
i'm not sure when he's due back though. he's in america at the moment i dont think he's due back til next friday. so i guess i'm jsut gonna have to get on with stuff and try not to mope until he gets back.

i've got to finish my assignment work, then i guess i'll go to uni on tuesday. i'll be spending tuesday evening at my grandmas as usual, so i'll be ok for most of the night, and then i guess i'll just text chris every now and again until i fall asleep. adn then i'll be back home wednesday evening if all goes well. so it'll be fine.

i'm having some issues with uni at the moment. as it stands, i'm only attending lectures at the moment. screw them if i'm gonna fail this course because they want me to build them a garden. that isnt a priority for me, i'll be at home working on my thesis and plant science assignment, as they're due in less then a month and i've started neither.

so anyways, i feel a bit better, now i've talked it out and kinda worked out what i'm feeling.
so i'm gonna carry on with my model i think.

ja ne <3

>_>

OMG EVERYONE BETTER START CHEERING UP OR I WILL PERSONALLY COME ROUND AND SHOOT YOU ALL !!!!!!

*deep breath*

and thats all *nods*

*squee*

well i figured this deserved another entry.

and its not just cos i forgot about it >_>
shhh not a word.




isnt it beautiful *fangirls* XD

it should arrive hopefully in the next 1-2 weeks i think. a dobro resonator guitar. the body is completly metal and it will sound awesome. i can't wait to get my hands on it XD i decided i wanted to learn the blues with all my free time (ha! we'll see how long my mother lets that happen) and i've always wanted a resonator guitar and found this one with good reviews etc in america (on ebay) so yeah, a few clicks and a password later and theres another part of my student loan gone ^_^;;

at this point i should say, no one let me buy anymore guitars ^_^;; i've just spent £170 on this one, and £180 on one about 5 months ago. i want to buy a martin accoustic now which will set me back about £500 - £1000 XD eventually i'll get a 3 grand "balsa wood" martin accoustic <3 and it'll sound awesome *nods*

ok, fixed my fan *yay* it's stopped squeaking now. i havnt started the movie yet, and i havnt dont any work on anything *shrug* its quater to 2am now, cori should be due home any minute. so i can either go to bed now or get caught up and end up staying online till 5am x_x

meh i havnt talked to him much today so we'll see.

*plots more stuff with patios, death fridges and cars*

ja.

rambled thoughs

hmm its not uncommon i suppose to be feeling so useless at this point.

late night ramblings aside, i have little to do. so what do i do to occupy my newly found abundant free time?

i create a blog *sigh*

i've been home must be about 2-3 months now and the charm has evidently worn off. not least becuase i have now finished work experience, have done and handed in all my outstanding assignments and i'm now not due back to uni till september. again i have mixed feelings about it, not as mixed as when i moved out of halls and left though. i suppose i should be greatful for that.

thinking about it now, maybe zetsubou billy by maximum the hormone isnt the best thing to be listening to right now. leaves too much thought open for emoing and i'm done with that for now.

i've had many things to think about as one does when they have nothing else to do. amongst my thoughts are my friends. i've been flicking through yin's photos while i was trying to work out how to create a badge to display my photos on this blog. i went right back to the begining...

after some really nice photos of his garden which i really like because i am slightly obsessed and intriegued by plants now there where photos of the leavers ball. it was interesting looking through them seeing everyone barely over a year ago. no ones changed much, 'cept maybe dans hair, and yins hair is back to normal (*shakes fist* you cut it again, and you'll pay)
i havnt changed much either really, thats a problem in my eyes, but we'll deal with that as we go. *sigh*

i'm not sure what i'm saying anymore and i certainly dont expect anyone to understand really.

i really shouldnt be listening to linkin park now, it has the ability to affect emotions and writing believe it or not. if i was to ever do a thesis on anything it would be how music affects writting styles and circumstances. alas i'm doing horticulture and my thesis must be related. maybe i can do one on how music affects designers drawing XD

i know for one that i couldnt concentrate on my drawing when i was doing my design assignment and had music on. i ended up putting on the ouran high radio podcasts on. slightly random i know, but i understand some of it suprisingly. theres 3 that where in a bonus folder of one of the OSTs i downloaded a while ago all about 15-20 mins long. mostly of haruhi and either tamaki or kyoya i think. i love haruhi's voice actor, shes so awesome and its cool to hear her "out of character"
they tried a new drink in one of the shows and it sounded like she exploded cos she liked it so much XD and then tamaki's va started choking XD and him and kyoya's va were making fun of her calling her haruhi and stuff, it was funny.

so anyway, amongst all the second thoughts and mixed vibes of moods and emotions i'm getting from EVERYONE, i'm just trying to figure out at this point where everyone stands when i dont even know where i myself stand.

i'm sure i've rambled on in this blog long enough now, this is probably going to be a random, whatever the hell is going on kinda blog, probably mixed in with some music reviews as i'm starting to check out new artists now.

ok, i'm going to go watch stranger then fiction again and try to stay off ebay (as i've just thought of some more films that i want to buy) and work on fanart.
i want to work on my painting ironically, now that my board is needed elsewhere. i'll get it back later, my room is feeling kinda weird without my A0 drawing board taking up one wall and half the floor when its out.

ja ne.