urgh are are ><

Rawr, i have no where else to write so here will do i guess. it's been nearly a year since i've written in here. ironic really, considering what i'm going to talk about.
i hadnt forgotten about this blog really, just lost a bit of enthusiasm for writting in general.

so yeah... things are a bit weird at the moment. i'm not entirly sure how i feel about it all to be honest. i feel restless and empty i guess would be the closest thing i can describe this feeling as. its like somethings missing, i know its missing, i can't have it back, but i think i know that i dont want it.
which i shouldnt, because this was mutual.

i just dont know how i feel! and i dont think i can bare it...

i'm so confused right now, i dont know what to think.
me and my boyfriend broke up yesterday. this is what its all about.

i knew it was coming, when we started our conversation yesterday i knew it wouldnt end with us still together. it was jsut so easy to admit that it wasnt really working. we where both thinking the same thing and although we did officially declare it, it might as well have been dead.

i dont know. i guess that the last month or two has felt more like a friendship then a relationship, but there was always in the background the knowledge that we where together, that we would comfort each other adn that it was just different from a friendship. now that things have gone back to being a friendship it shouldnt feel much different. and it doesnt.

that is what confuses me the most...

we're still friends, everything is fine. i feel though like i'm depressed because i'm not sad. and that is such a backwards thing to admit.

i refuse to let myself admit fully whats happened. i'm determined to be happy in the state that i am in, in the way things happened. maybe i would be better after i thought about it properly. but i really dont want to cry. after last year, i just dont ever want to cry again.
and if i dont think about it, if i "know" that everything is "fine" then i wont...

i just dont know what to do.
i'm not depressed, not really. i'm feeling empty, deflated was the word i used the other day, and restless. i think i just want the world to get on with it, for some time to pass then normality can be addressed maybe.
i'm not sure i want to go back to college next week. i have no reason to be upset (not in my mind anyway) but i'm afraid of what might happen when i'm on my own.
i dont want to feel sorry for myself, i have no reason to, and i know i'm stronger then that, but i dont want to be upset, i dont want to think. cori once said that he noticed that i didnt like to be left alone for too long. all i can do is carry on with life, maybe thats whats bothering me, that i feel i shouldnt be getting on with life so soon, but theres really nothing else to do.

i'll meet someone new eventually. i know dont have to worry about the future so much, i can take it in my stride and do it my way without considerations of anyone else i may be sharing life with. theres a lot of other stuff i wont have to worry about anymore as well, i suppose this was worth it for that at least, and i'll see the benefit of it in time.

the best i can do is not to mope about if i can possibly help it.
i want to speak to my dad >< i have no idea why, but i just know it will help. i suppose i am a daddy's girl really, we just have so many commonly shared intrests and he consults me about a lot of stuff, and whatever happens, once i tell him and he gives me a hug, everythings ok.
i'm not sure when he's due back though. he's in america at the moment i dont think he's due back til next friday. so i guess i'm jsut gonna have to get on with stuff and try not to mope until he gets back.

i've got to finish my assignment work, then i guess i'll go to uni on tuesday. i'll be spending tuesday evening at my grandmas as usual, so i'll be ok for most of the night, and then i guess i'll just text chris every now and again until i fall asleep. adn then i'll be back home wednesday evening if all goes well. so it'll be fine.

i'm having some issues with uni at the moment. as it stands, i'm only attending lectures at the moment. screw them if i'm gonna fail this course because they want me to build them a garden. that isnt a priority for me, i'll be at home working on my thesis and plant science assignment, as they're due in less then a month and i've started neither.

so anyways, i feel a bit better, now i've talked it out and kinda worked out what i'm feeling.
so i'm gonna carry on with my model i think.

ja ne <3