i should have written sooner

i'm 21 in less then 2 weeks..

i've made so many mistakes. i dont even know if they where mistakes, or just my lack of acomplishing anything

why is my life so meaningless?

i spend so much time these days wondering why i even bother waking up. i'm not going to do anything today, why even get up.

i should have written sooner, it sorts my mind, right now i'm just wondering why i can't be happy.

i was happy. some of it left me, most of it i threw away, i threw it away for a reason, that seemed the right decision, it still does seem like the right decision, for what purpose i dont know. do i like to make myself unhappy?

i feel like i'm at an inbetween point. i know that things are going to work out, they have to, i have to believe they will, or i wouldnt have made the decisions i made, they would of been for nothing and i dont feel they can be.

its just the time in between, i dont know how long this is going to last, i think it will be years.
maybe i'm just waiting for my life to settle, so i can actually have a purpose and a reason for being here. i think its gonna take some time, i'm not sure i have the strength to wait.

this summer has been an awesome one for me. after such a crap year preceding it, this summer has been good. i've been able to do what i want, see who i want. i had a boyfriend, he loved me and still does, i had someone who depended on me for stuff, someone i loved to talk to.
as soon as september came around and i saw this coming, things have changed too much.

i broke up with my boyfriend who in all truth i should never have been with to begin with, so that was my own fault. i'll try not to be so foolish again.

my college owes me a lot of money, the money i would have been living on for the last part of summer till i found a job. they still havnt paid me my money. i'm begining to wonder whether i'll ever get it back, or even whether i'll even finish my hnd. two years of hasstle and pain down the drain, thats a new thing to worry about.

and school started. i knew things would change, i tried my best but we're only human. people who couldnt play ro came back and as i knew would happen i didnt have anything left to do on there. i had so much to do over summer, and now its reduced to nothing. i know it sounds like i'm whining, i know it can't be helped, i'm just having trouble with the sudden lack of responsibility i guess. i know theres more i could be given to do, it just wont be the same, but i know i'm being selfish there.

i just hate myself so much. i hate myself for being me, for being where i am, for not being where i want to be, not that it would make any difference, not that any of it is my fault. i'm not sure how i stumbled onto that awesome few months of life, but its over now. time differences, and life in general dictate that. it was fun while it lasted is the only thing i can say now...

theres just no way it can be kept up, it seems i'm just meant to lead a different life away from what i want to be. i can't really blame my christianity for that, but that pretty much sums it up i guess. i wasnt meant for that life, though thats where i want to be.

but lifes full of tough decisions, i've always had to go against what i've wanted, what i've wanted to do. i dont know why, i refuse to ask why God's doing all this to me, because then i would turn out like my sister. besides which, i dont need to ask, God's doing this to me, because he is. it seems a half hearted answer, maybe i'm afraid to find out, maybe there is nothing to find out. i dont know anymore.

i just dont understand anymore. i'm not supposed to be here on my own. i'm supposed to do this with God. i've done so much of the stuff i'm supposed to do, but i feel so allienated.

i miss the people who used to talk to me... no one talks to me anymore...

there are always people i can talk to, but no one who will talk to me, no one who knows me. i'm not quite sure how i can describe this.theres so many people on ro, in my guild who i can talk to, but they dont know me. the dont know me personally, who i am really, where i'm at. no one i can vent at, everyones so busy, it doesnt feel right bothering them with my problems.

chris is still talking at me, ironically the one person i dont really want to talk to, wont leave me alone. he still wants to be with me, and i just dont know what to say. i dont know how i can react so coldly and have gotten over it all so quickly when he still pines for me. its just so coldhearted of me. there just hasnt been any space between us at all for him to get over it i guess. i'm hopeing he will eventually.

he wanted to come down and hang out this weekend. i foolishly said yes, reflecting later that i didnt think either of us would be able to handle it, fortunatly my mother said no. shes really on top of things sometimes.

i just feel so empty right now. i really am empty, empty and useless. living a currently pointless existance, waiting maybe more hoping that things will pick up. i struggle with my doubt. faith has always been the thing thats kept me together. the knowledge that nothing is as it shouldnt be. whatever happens was meant to happen.

things have messed me up so much with this boy josh. he overdosed and killed himself last week. at first it was just rumours, possibilities it could have been a hoax, the more it seemed to be real, the more it hurt. i didnt even know him, not really, and still i cried. nothing should have been that desperate. nothing should have been desperate enough that he would try to kill himself and succeed. one of the reasons he was so upset was that one of his friends recently killed himself as well. why are things this bad?

my sister was threatening to kill herself last week after servere breakup depression, after her ex who broke up with her because he didnt want a relationship called her three weeks later to tell her he had a new girlfriend and he was so happy. i spent the whole afternoon paranoid she might do it. i always knew she was still cutting...

why are people so weak?

but

but then, you have the flip side. i prayed so much for elly, a person i had never met, a person i had never talked to before who had terminal cancer and was dying. recently i found out her cancer has stabilised and it looks like she might be ok. i continue to pray for her.

hurricane ike hit last week as well, my friend isaac had to leave his house as the hurricane was going to hit right on top of his house. i prayed for him and for his house every day he was away from it. he got back sure that at least his tree in the front yard would be gone and that his house might be in ruins. the tree was still there.. the house was fine.

"I will take her by the hand and i will lead her, and i will put my words into her mouth and she will speak to the mulitudes"

a propecy, 21 years old in 2 weeks. i'm still waiting to find out what it means.

i'm struggling so much with myself. i spent so long paranoid about my own selfishness, my inferiority nearly drove me over the edge once. never again.

i just wish for the days i was so randomly happy for no reason. it all ended when i snapped and decided to end it with chris. its not the only thing, but it contributed and from that point.

right now, i dont have a reason to be happy. i dont have a reason to be anything, i feel so numb...