what is it going to take?

what is it going to take...

to run ahead of my once lost depression, praying it doesnt catch me... i'm beginning not to care...

what's it going to take, not to be constantly worried, not to wish i hadnt woken up

its no wonder i nearly had a heartattack last week. maybe it would have been better if it had claimed me. a shortened existance, would hurt everyone but myself...ironically it would have the opposite effect on me, but then again, i wouldnt be there to enjoy it would i?

i dont want to hurt everyone...and that is why i nearly died...

so void of emotion, i did this to myself.

but i'm so tired

so tired of being emotionally void. not even numb, i choose not to have emotions anymore

so tired of having to take a stand in every way, shape or form when something happens. and something always happens. i'm wondering why i still fix it.

so tired of trying to find reasons for people to carry on their existance when they tell me they "want to be free"

so tired of not being able to be upset at anything...if i'm upset then its over, because so many people depend on my strength, i am the last stand, the last reason, if i give up then there is nothing to stop anyone...

i've saved so many people, but i can't save myself?

how ironic..

i dont know what to do.
my life is so screwed up right now. could i even call it a life?
i have no purpose, no money, no job, no hope...
there is so much still to do, i dont think i have the strength anymore

so what am i going to do?

i could do what i usually do and bounce back, bury how i'm feeling, tell myself i dont mean it. everytime i do that i bury a piece of myself with it. every day life is just business now. theres no escape.

maybe i'll just lose it for once... i'm getting weaker, i'm getting more worried, something is telling me something is wrong, something is medically wrong. i'm losing strength in so many ways.
maybe i'll just let go for once. why do i have to keep careing? why do i have to be the one to stop time and fix things?

if the people who depend on me dont pick me up, then i can fall into darkness and be lost forever and its not my problem anymore.

what is it going to take..

to save me?